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Friday, October 31, 2008


This just in, hot off the presses, is our second article on the discovery of the Stolen White Elephant Hassan...

Reign of the Elephant Ended!

By A.S. Illyperson

The reign of terror has finally been brought to an end as the corpse of the “Scourge of Siam” was stumbled upon, both literally and figuratively, at midnight in the basement of the N.Y.D.F. headquarters. The remains were found by the brilliant Inspector Blunt, who had been stalking the elephant for three weeks.

Leaving an all-but immaculate criminal record behind, Hassan the White Elephant acquired an extensive list of infractions and violations during his three-week rampage. Such crimes as the theft of 800 bottles and a haystack; the murder of a horse, plumber, police officer, sensation preacher, and two detectives; and the interruption of a religious revival resulted in sixty deceased and 120 injured.

Shortly after the elephant disappeared from Jersey City, detectives were dispatched all over the Northeast in states such as New York, Pennsylvania, Connecticut, and New Jersey to track the animal. When questioned as to why investigators were searching such a vast area, Detective Blunt stated, “It is my duty to ensure that there is no means of escape for this filthy, destructive, and vile creature. We will pursue him with all available resources.”

The elephant was nearly captured recently when he was spotted in the fog, but he could not be followed due to poor visibility. Until this morning the case was cold, but then his remains were discovered in the basement. Detective Blunt, being the genius that he is, relied only on his sense of touch to find Hassan, using his foot to locate the body in a dark corner.

Upon hearing of the elephant’s demise, a celebration immediately erupted. All detectives, save for two who died valiantly in their efforts to track and capture the beast, returned for the jubilant celebration. Blunt remarked to his investigators, “Enjoy it boys, for you’ve earned it; and more than that, you’ve earned for the detective profession undying fame.”

Hassan’s former owner, asked to comment on the situation, replied, “I am a ruined man and a wanderer on the earth but my admiration for that man, whom I believe to be the greatest detective the world has ever produced, remains undimmed to this day, and will so remain unto the end.”

At long last the white elephant, the reparation gift gone bad, has been brought to justice in the form of death.

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